How to Rebuild Trust?

What is the ground for the relations between two people?

There are the so-called three whales of happy relationships.

They are the mutual feelings, complete understanding and, surely, trust.

Besides, the last “whale” is the most solid and important.

Trust can be easily lost, but it’s extremely difficult to rebuild it again.

Mutual trust is a strong chain, which bounds the closest people together even more tightly than any assurances of the eternal friendship or even marriage vows.

Ruining this chain means not only offending the beloved one, but also shaking his faith in the reliability and justice of the world’s order.

That’s why, when it happened and the feeling of guilt is left, arises the question of how to rebuild trust.

What does trust mean and why is it so important?

Trust is not the thing you can take and then give it back.

Trust is a quality of contact between two people, which is born in the process of communication and interaction.

If a person from the very beginning trusts to an unknown man, without experiencing the stage of “close look”, then we may say there is something wrong with the way he interacts with the surrounding.

Trust is the maintenance of commitments, which were given to somebody and secured by the reputation of the person, who gave them.

The most frequent context of the conversations about “lost trust” is the context of the relationships of friends and couples in love.

In such relationships there is a whole chain of the implicit, unsaid but implied arrangements: to be loyal, stick to the given words, do not do things, which may harm to a friend or the beloved one.

Beside the all-purpose principals there may be some unique ones, though also unsaid and still demanded from each other.

There are plenty of such cases, but there is a need to clear them out: does a partner know about somebody else’s expectations, which are imposed upon his duty?

The main reasons for the loss of trust:

• Betrayal.

  It destroys trust to the ground immediately and, as a rule, irreversibly.

  Even, if both pretend it never happened, sooner or later this painful memory would come up.

  Needless to say, one half is going to doubt the other one constantly – is he actually at work, or maybe he is somewhere with somebody, or is it really somebody from the work calling him (her) in the evening?

• Jealousy.

  A green monster and a destructor of any relationships…

  And the main indicator that it’s high time to change something.

  Jealousy is a 100% sign there is no trust to a partner.

  It’s like a worm, which eats the feelings from the inside up to the very bottom, if you don’t stop and think in time – is there any sense of being jealous?

  Who is going to feel better because of it?

• Lie.

  Bid, small, incompleteness or hidden facts, insignificant, frequent or seldom, it’s still monstrous.

  Lie destroys trust from the second try (the first is usually forgiven or swallowed).

• If the words and actions do not coincide.

  
  Even the hottest words about love stop having any value, if the actions are full of indifference and disregard towards a partner.

  If such behavior is not a temporary period of crisis due to the definite reasons, but a true indifference, sooner or later the trust and, consequently, relations will come to an end and you won’t be able to rebuild them.

  How to Leave Your Wife?

• The absence of trust from the very beginning.

  It means there was an illusion on the initial stage, but actually – either a crucial meeting of two chronic “lovers of outings”, or a feeling which could not succeed in becoming real love.

• Unjustified expectations.

  When someone promises you the Moon and “to hold you in his arms for the rest of his life”, but actually lives like with a neighbor in the hostel.

How to rebuild trust?

1. In order to rebuild trust, make a clean breast of it.

   If you play a traitor, you must make a clean breast of it.

   It’s extremely important to tell the truth in the interpersonal relations, even if a lie is convenient to you.

   In case you betrayed someone, admitting it would definitely help another person understand that his wellbeing is more important than yours.

   Though, if you deny admitting your guilt, it’ll cause even more distrust from the other person, especially if the truth is already known.

2. Expect the emotional reaction from another person.

   Confession in betrayal won’t change the situation for the better immediately.

   On the contrary, wait for the burst of emotions (screams, crying and other things) from the person, who will understand that he was cheated on.

   Nevertheless, mind that the best way to move on is to make a clean breast of it.

   Start this serious conversation, when you are sure you’re ready for it.

   Figure out whether both of you interpret the same way those reasons, which ruined trust between you.

   In any conflict both parties are guilty, that’s why everyone should acknowledge his own mistakes.

   In order to avoid accusatory tone, start the phrases with “me” instead of “you”.

   Try the psychological trick with the change of roles.

   Let everyone speak on the behalf of another person, as if trying on a different image.

3. Ask for forgiveness to rebuild trust.

   
   This is quite obvious, but, unfortunately, sometimes people do not do it.

   Your approach in this case is sure to influence whether you’ll be forgiven and you’ll move on.

   When you ask for forgiveness, do not search a way how to justify yourself.

   You should not assert that the offended man understood you in the wrong way (“everything is not like this”).

   Do not deny you hurt another person (“this could not have hurt you”).

   Try not to beg for pity (“I had a miserable childhood”).

   The best way how you can take responsibility is to admit you hurt another person, adding how you should have acted and how you are going to act in the future.

   Let the person understand the reason why you repent.

   If a person understands you are sorry because you feel guilty or ashamed, he’ll probably forgive you.

   Though, if he thinks you just feel pity for him, you will probably fail at getting forgiveness.

   Unlike the feeling of guilt and shame, pity does not allow realizing the personal responsibility of the offender.

   Pity may show how superior one man over another one is.

4. Do not be importunate in the desire to redeem your fault.

   
   If you cheated on your partner and now is flying like a bee around him, bring coffee to bed and bake kulebyaka every evening, ingratiating look “Have the coffee and kulebyaka cooled already?” will not probably answer you with reciprocal feeling and you won’t rebuild his trust.

   In the better situation, the partner will favourably accept your “gifts” with the king’s look on his face.

   Then, nevertheless, the climax and the shoot-out are sure to come.

   No one will simply believe in the sincerity of your care after you earlier ran away, slamming the door, grind the teeth or walkout in protest to sleep to your mother’s place.

   Insincerity in such moment will be felt very sensitively.

5. Discuss the compensation in order to rebuild trust.

   Psychologists advise to discuss some actions, by which the guilty party may make up for the misdeed and rebuild the trust between you two.

   You’d better invite an uninterested party to the discussion of what may be the appropriate compensation.

   It may be the common friend, who knows both of you well and won’t take sides.

   Compensation must include several actions.

   If the problem appears between spouses, it may be a written apology, a visit to the family psychologist, a vacation, which will be planned according to the taste of the one, who got offended.

   The most important is that the compensating actions won’t turn to a banal revenge, but help to unite the family again instead of creating new offences.

   After the bill is settled, you should not return to the problem ever again.

   It’s important that this fact remember both sides.

This way, you see how often our mistakes bring not only pain to the close people, but lead to the loss of trust.

That’s why it’s significant to know how to rebuild trust in suchlike situations.

Nevertheless, it’s still better to restrain yourself from creating these situations, which may ruin such a fragile thing.