Are you concerned how to rebuild trust? These 3 best tips from a psychologist can help you!
Today we are going to talk about how to rebuild trust.
Such issue is very important for me because lately my friend and I have gone through the process of rebuilding trust after cheating.
We’ve managed to mend our friendship together, and we’ve done it so masterly that not a single stitch can be seen. This is why I hope that our experience of forgiving cheating may be useful for you, my dear readers, as well.
Why should you worry about rebuilding trust in your relationships?
“A relationship without trust is like having a phone with no service. And what do you do with a phone with no service? You play games”.
Can you tell me the difference between a casual acquaintance and a close relationship?
I define it by the feelings which one person has towards the other. I mean love, affection and trust which bind your relationship together.
The process of turning your casual acquaintance into your friend or beloved is quite long.
At first you discover each other, afterwards your relationship transforms into mutual affection, and only when you can unconditionally trust this person, he/she will take an honorary place in your life.
If there is no trust, what kind of close relationship are we talking about ?
In my opinion, people who don’t trust their friends and spouses but remain in the relationship, simply fool themselves and their beloved .
If you never had trust in your friendship and marriage , or encountered with distrust while your friend or spouse made no effort in order to rebuild trust, you should strike such person out of your life once and forever.
In case if you caused the loss of trust in your marriage (by cheating, lying, betraying, breaking your promise, etc.) you should do your best in order to make your partner trust you again and forgive your infidelity otherwise you may lose this person forever.
How my friend and I mended our relationship rebuilding each other’s trust
“The most expensive thing in the world is trust. It can take years to earn and just a matter of seconds to lose”.
At high school I had a close friend named Lida. We were really good friends and we always shared out secrets with each other.
Back then I was dating a very handsome but quite egoistic boy. He was aware of his own attractiveness and thus, enjoyed being in the centre of every schoolgirl’s attention. He didn’t think about strong friendship or marriage; he enjoyed short-time relationship.
At one point I got sick of his self-admiration and couldn’t stand his staring at every single girl around anymore, so we broke up.
Thus, we stopped communicating with each other.
Almost six months later he called me and offered to start dating again. Well, here I have to explain you how every person who knows Sergey quite well would perceive his words. His offer sounded like: “I, Sergey I, endow you, the dust under my feet, with my attention. So be thankful and quickly move your butt in my direction!”
By that time I have already recovered from my feelings towards him, so I turned down his offer. I did not want to watch him cheating on me with other girls. He has already lost my trust, and I knew that I would never be able to forgive infidelity. He got very angry because of my refusal, and having decided to make me feel bad, he said: “Did you know that I dated Lida after we broke up? Did she tell you about us?”
When I discussed the situation with Lida, I found out that Sergey’s words were half-true. Indeed, they met 3 times, and afterwards,being afraid to hurt me, Lida stopped those relations, despite the fact that she liked Sergey a lot.
I’m not going to go into details and tell you how we discussed the whole situation and tried to rebuild our friendship.
What I want to tell you is that both of us concentrated on the issue of rebuilding trust because we clearly understood: our problem is not in the fact that Lida went for a few dates with Sergey, but in the fact that she never told me about them. I think of it as cheating on me.
What prevents people from rebuilding trust?
Trust is very easy to lose, but very difficult to rebuild.
This process presupposes spending a lot of time. Besides, both parties (the guilty person and the victim) have to sincerely yearn to rebuild trust in their marriage or friendship.
Here are some reasons which make the process of rebuilding trust after cheating or infidelity so difficult:
- Your relationship already was on the verge of collapsing, and your partner’s infidelity only precipitated this process of destroying your marriage.
Briefly speaking, a victim here is subconsciously happy because of such turn of events, and thus, all your efforts to restore friendship or marriage will be vain.
- Wrong behavioral model of the “criminal”.
For example, instead of apologizing, this person tries to shift responsibility onto the other.
- The inability to forgive infidelity or cheating.
If you sustain a friendship or marriage with somebody who is simply not able to forgive anybody else’s mistakes, it is very unlikely that you’ll manage to persuade him/her to give you the second chance to rebuild trust after cheating.
- Recurrence of the “crime”.
If you deceive or cheat on your friend or spouse for several times, you’ll have less and less chances to be forgiven for infidelity or cheating.
As for me, I won’t forgive a persistent recidivist either.
- Reticence of the guilty person.
As a rule, women open their minds easier, so this statement concerns mainly men.
After cheating on your beloved, you should stop pretending to be a firm self-confident guy. Tell her about your true feelings if you want to save your marriage!
What should people who try to rebuild trust in their relationships prepare for?
The process of rebuilding trust surely won’t be easy for somebody who causes such unpleasant situation by cheating.
If you make up your mind to fight for your marriage or friendship, be aware that your partner may do the following:
- anxiously express his/her emotions, sparing no words
- try to hurt you as badly as he/she can (both morally and, possibly, even physically) in order to compensate the offence received from your infidelity
- take your words with distrust
- try to break up with you in every possible way
- blame you for different sins, even for those which you’ve never done.
Don’t try to behave aggressively in return or hope to be forgiven for cheating or infidelity at once.
Give your friend or beloved some time in order to analyze the situation and calm down, but don’t procrastinate with the process of rebuilding trust, otherwise you will lose your love or friendship forever or ruin your marriage.
How to rebuild trust: take responsibility for your actions
People, who betrayed their friend or spouse, often try to defend themselves, and thus, instead of confessing to themselves and others in their foolishness and weakness, they usually start attacking: “Well, yes, I’ve done a bad thing, but it’s all your fault!”
Such pattern of behavior is unspeakably stupid, and it won’t do you any good.
Even if the reason of your infidelity was your wife’s inability to satisfy you, even if you lied to your friend, because you thought that she would never understand you, it was you who sold the fort!
Be responsible for every action you make because only in this way you have a chance to rebuild trust and save your marriage after cheating.
How to rebuild trust: confess for your actions and apologize to your partner
Do you know what the most important factor in the absolutionis, according to theological canons? It’s the person’s sincere contrition in all his/her misdeeds.
If you try to rebuild trust in your marriage , do the same thing!
Don’t try to blame anybody for your mistakes and never try to justify yourself after cheating or infidelity!
You should simply apologize for your betrayal, being as sincere and sorry as possible.
If a person whose trust you are trying to regain sees that your apology is sincere, his/her heart is going to tremble.
Don’t forget to love each other and rebuild trust in marriage!
Interesting info: How to control your emotions?
How to rebuild trust: forgive yourself
People, who make a mistake and start cheating on their beloved, often end up with a complex of victim.
They regret about misdeeds so hard thatturn themselves into a spineless creature, allowing their other half to humiliate them. These actions will only ruin your marriage, I’m sure!
Such behavior is very wrong!
There is no doubt that you have to admit your fault and be responsible for your mistake. Obviously, if you want to rebuild trust, you have to do something pleasing for your friend or spouse . Maybe, you’ll even have to endure his/her distrust towards you and listen to a few unpleasant words and reproaches for cheating.
However, you have to forgive yourself and never let anybody to humiliate and abuse you.
My final tip for the person who’s trying to rebuild trust in his/her marriage is: be aware that even if you were forgiven, you would remain under careful supervision for a long time after this situation.
Your other half is going to expect another misdeed from you on subconscious level.
Try to understand such behavior of your beloved and keep in mind that trust is much easier to be lost than to be rebuilt. And you should keep in mind that successful marriage cannot exist without trust.
How to rebuild trust after cheating?
While analyzing the situation, you should take into account your mistakes which should be avoided if you try to rebuild trust after cheating, e.g.:
- If you are wrong, don’t try to prove the opposite to your partner.
There is no doubt that every person has his/her own opinion. Thus, while somebody may understand and accept your position, your partner may not. Your beloved considers you to be wrong and blames you for cheating, and if you make efforts to deny it, you are going to underestimate his/her trust even more.
- Don’t try to buy yourself off.
Obviously, nowadays people can buy almost everything, except for health or trust.
Why cannot you buy trust? Because trust is a spiritual matter, while goods and objects represent a material matter, and these two matters do not meet each other. You may buy a person off for damaging his/her belongings, but you cannot restore his/her mental balance and trust, or make your partner forget about cheating with the help of luxurious presents.
- Enough of excuses!
If you’ve lost your partner’s trust, he/she won’t ever believe your words again. Thus, you will have to prove your efforts to rebuild trust with actions.
- Admit your guilt.
If your fault in cheating is obvious, you have to admit it right away, otherwise you’ll never rebuild your partner’s trust. However, you shouldn’t chase your beloved, kneel before him/her, burst into tears and beg about forgiveness.
The only possible outcome of this situation is your “comedown” and becoming an object of manipulation.
Why? Simply because your other half may see your readiness to do everything in order to rebuild trust and apologize for cheating, and he/she’ll surely make use of it. However, it is very unlikely that this person can forget about cheating and forgive you. On the contrary, he/she’ll be happy to take a revenge on you and make you suffer. Thus, stop abasing yourself and start respecting yourself for who you are!
- If the reason for loss of trust in marriage consists in lying, you should explain your beloved why you have been telling lies and what thoughts have bothered you at that moment.
From this moment on you will have to tell your partner only the truth, even if it has a bitter “aftertaste”.
- When you are finally forgiven, try to avoid talking about the situation which caused loss of trust. Help your partner to forget the unpleasant and painful memories.
Remember that you have admitted your guilt, did everything in order to rebuild trust, and now you have to forget about all negative situations if you want to build a bright future, full of mutual understanding and trust.
How to rebuild trust in marriage?
Where should you start and what should you do? What measures do you have to take in order to make your other half look at you with love in his/her eyes?
- Admit your fault every time you err.
There is no sense to prove your innocence if you are wrong. This may only aggravate the conflict.
- Talk to your beloved about this situation.
Try to have a sincere and honest conversation. Besides, choose a proper moment for talking, when your partner is ready to hear and listen.
- Does the cause of distrust consist in his jealousy?
Get rid of everything what can make your partner suspicious again. Avoid going to places, meeting people or even thinking about a person who makes your beloved jealous. Is his/her jealousy groundless? Explain your partner that his/her behavior is unreasonable, and start changing your lifestyle.
Think about this matter: maybe, you give your partner reasons to be jealous by wearing a lot of make-up, buying extremely short skirts, working late hours, talking to strangers on the phone or creating a new password on your laptop.
If you have nothing to hide, be honest with your beloved and you’ll make a first step to saving your marriage.
If you value his/her trust, you should not go to work wearing the outfit from the beauty contest.
- Do not try to rebuild your relationship immediately after the conflict.
Give your beloved or friend a chance to recover, think and analyze the situation.
- Do not flatter or impose yourself on your other half.
Do not remind him/her about the reasons of the conflict or pretend to be a better person than you really are. Turn over a new leaf in your relationship, as if you have just met each other. As a result, your beloved will either change his/her attitude, solve all possible nuances and support you, or he/she may decide to stop trusting you and leave you forever.
- When you make an effort to rebuild trust in marriage, you should not drag your relatives into this situation.
There is no need in that. You have to solve all problems in your marriage only with your spouse.
- If your partner is able to communicate with you and also makes some steps towards rebuilding mutual trust in marriage, offer him/her to go on a trip together.
Thus, you’ll be able to discuss your problems and give a fresh start to your relationship.
- Prove your readiness to fight for your love: show your ability to compromise, make concessions, solve problems without falling into hysterics, and express your willingness to hear and listen to your beloved.
- Have you been forgiven?
Then you should never remind him/her and yourself about past mistakes. Try to rebuild your marriage on mutual trust, honesty, support and understanding. And remember that nobody is going to grant you a second chance.
How to rebuild trust after infidelity?
It may take a very long time and much effort to rebuild trust in the family after infidelity. If you want to succeed in this, you should not discuss your model of behavior while drinking wine and complaining to your friends or after a huge fight with your husband.
The most proper solution of this situation may appear only if you have a sober mind, neutral emotions and professional advice from a doctor.
- Do not force yourself to sustain this relationship!
If you decide to forgive cheating, you must never recollect the case of infidelity and reproach your husband. However, until trust is rebuilt, do not force yourself to behave as before. Do not make yourself forgive and start trusting at once. It not easy to do after suffering suffered a strong emotional stress.
Besides, there is no need in hasting yourself, take as much time as necessary. Forgiveness is a process which does not have a time frame.
I can persuade you that you won’t be able to forgive “in a month”, “by lunchtime” or “by next Monday”. The opposite behavioral pattern may lead not only to the worsening of your mental state, but to the occurrence of certain diseases as well.
- Determine a time frame for testing your relationship and discuss it with your spouse.
Having refused from the necessity to forgive “by the New Year’s Eve”, you can still determine a concrete term during which you are going to watch your spouse’s behavior and change of attitude after infidelity. You may even establish a set of rules which can help to determine your readiness to forgive or unwillingness to sustain this marriage.Such rules may include partial narrowing of your spouse’s personal space, e.g. you can ask him to reveal passwords to his emails and social networks, or he should agree to let you check his diary or cell phone whenever you want.Arrange the process of a short-time testing. I am familiar with men who allowed their wives to check their emails or cell phones only to make them forgive and forget infidelity as soon as possible. You may say that this won’t change anything, and if a man wants to hide something from his wife, he will find a way to do it. In this case you may be both right and wrong at the same time.Most people are not cynical enough in order to create new accounts, codes, passwords or logins. This is partially the reason of getting caught on infidelity. However, if a person gives you the right to check his/her personal information, it can be really a healing factor for the relationship. By the way, usually a spouse, who has been granted such opportunity, does not even want to check on his/her partner anymore. This is my professional advice of a psychologist.
- Create a cult of conversation in your family.
Suspicions and reservations do not make a family happier.
Probably, everyone knows the “snowball principle”, when all small reservations and hidden offences accumulate and then bury all happy memories and events which have happened in your family. You should not allow this to happen while recovering after infidelity, it is inadmissible.At the moment, when you are trying to rebuild trust, you do not have a right to have hidden suspicions and doubt, thus you should warn your spouse that if he/she wants to survive the infidelity, he/she has to prepare to answer numerous questions from you.Here is what a psychologist would recommend in such situation: “Tell your husband about your suspicions right away. Sometimes we do not even realize the degree of our distrust towards partners”.For example, he closed his diary when you approached his table. Are you sure that such actions do not arouse an avalanche of suspicions and provoke loss of trust? However, if you ask your partner about it, he may open his diary and show you a blank page, explaining this habit of closing documents by his duties during military service.
- Eliminate reasons that might have caused infidelity.
As you know, there is no smoke without fire, and thus, every case of infidelity has a partial amount of guilt of another partner.
Give it more thought: maybe, your spouse could not receive something in your relationship?Even if his/her demands seem unreasonable, try to satisfy them, because if such lack of trust and support caused infidelity, it was really crucial.Try to become the same woman whom your husband fell in love with, and the same woman whom he would never think of cheating on. Start changing yourself and you’ll notice the same attitude of your husband.
- Develop your will-power.
Very few people believe in the ability of will-power to help in the process of forgiving infidelity. Obviously, you cannot ignore your true feelings and make yourself believe your spouse again. However, if you truly want to rebuild trust and peace in your family, you should forget about infidelity.
Psychologists state that a person may motivate him/herself for taking certain steps, and such motivation will help to move forward. Surely, you’ll need more than simple self-motivation, but it can become the basis of your routine behavioral pattern, and in its turn, your behavior will determine the whole process of recovering after infidelity and help to rebuild trust in your relationship.
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